"what i don’t understand is how i know in my mind that i’ve had a good day. i drank coffee and laughed and spent time with people i missed but still deep down i felt so sad. and i got home and almost relapsed because i felt so fucking guilty for feeling sad and lonely after just being around people i love. but that’s what this illness is! it isn’t me being whiny or lazy, it’s simply that i cannot be truly happy no matter how hard i try. no matter how much i remind myself of how good i have it or how much better i have it than so many people still i just feel this awful lingering sadness. the chemicals in my brain are all wrong. that is my problem. i’m trying to recognize that it isn’t my fault but it’s hard because i just feel so ungrateful and guilty but it’s not me it’s the chemicals it’s not me it’s the chemicals come on believe it! otherwise nothing is ever gonna change."
- what if i’m like this forever? (m.g.t)

i’m really ashamed of how depressed and anxious i’ve been lately.  i had been doing so well at getting my shit together and being happy and positive and even somewhat optimistic, and now i can’t go a day without crying or shaking or wanting to cut.  and i can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror because all i can think is how fat and ugly and pathetic and worthless i am.  fuck, how did i even get like this again.

depression depressed anxiety self hate relapse in a way i haven't cut yet but give it time and fuck it man